The newest AI super chip is here, and the company responsible for it – Ultra Shady Unnecessary Crap – is posting record profits. Bringing agentic AI to your desktop, the Super USUC Hindsight 20/20 chip fundamentally changes the way we interact with computers. For the simple cost of every ounce of your privacy, USUC’s AI can draft vacation itineraries, send overly verbose e-mails to the three people that friend you, and almost generate an edible recipe. 

Amidst claims that USUC is now developing chips with biological components – and therefore literally playing God – The Real Mews tracked down legendary programmer Davian McClane to confirm or deny the sordid rumor. Have they gone too far?

Below is a full transcript of the interaction with my notes included:

Our contact would only meet us in Europe, far from the slimy tendrils of Silicon Valley. We arrived in Belgium, and after a train trip into Brussels, we were met with McClane’s personal assistant and a high fashion gang of hired goons. A Margiela fashion mask was placed over my head and I was transported to an unknown location. Several long hours later, the Margiela mask was removed and I was sitting face to face with Davian McClane.

The room was dank and cold – I seemed to be in a basement cellar, however it was well furnished with all sorts of fancy gadgets and super computers. I knew I was just moments away from learning all of the dirty secrets behind USUC’s technology. I feared for my safety, but I also felt excitement. It was like looking into an eclipse or eating a can of chili after drinking a bottle of Vodka – thrilling at the time but with serious consequences thereafter.

Davian was facing away from me. All of sudden there was a loud rumbling boom that shook the room. “Davian!” I squeaked, “What the hell was that?!” He turned around and smiled fiercely. 

“THEEEEY FAAARRRT!!!” He exclaimed while doing several fist pumps and dancing the floss. “Weee diiid it!” he screeched over and over as a horrid smell filled the room. “After thousands of hours and trillions of dollars, I’ve finally become God!”

At this point the room lit up to reveal thousands of chips embedded in the walls and furniture. “It’s Raining Men” started blasting on the intercom as Davian continued to dance – punctuating the brass hits with his sharp fingers while pointing to individual chips as they farted on command. It was like watching a tuxedoed child play a gassy drum machine. The room filled with a thick noxious haze I could barely see through. It was then that Davian highlighted the moment with a breath-taking light show. It was fucking amazing.

After the show, I asked Davian how he would ever mask this activity from the American public. For the first time he looked serious. “I can disguise the farts,” he stated solemnly. “I can mute the incidents,” he continued. “I can trigger benign error messages and time little noises to coincide with nearby pets.” At this point he looked like a madman, trying to explain his way out of a waxed banana.

“Why are you telling me all of this?” I asked inquisitively. 

That was when Davian forced me to go off record. He then clarified that he had a farting disorder and only three months to live. He also explained that he chose the worst possible news organization on the internet to confess this to so that everyone would think the announcement was false.

Well played, Davian McClane.

So there you have it folks! With USUC’s latest technologies, your privacy is at risk, your food will still taste like trash, and your office… dog… will fart a helluva lot more! Oh, and Davian McClane isn’t real (wink wink).